“What keeps you awake at night?”

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That was a question woven into this whole weekend at Idea Camp // Orphan. It is something that I have been pondering since the second time I heard it. I guess if I am going to be honest, if asked that question six months ago it would have been something on a simply personal level having to do with my sons or money on occasion or something of the like. I definitely would not have said a malnourished orphan or a 9-year-old girl sold into a life of sexual servitude. I mean, come on, who wants to hear or talk about that? Isn’t it easier to just pretend that I can only deal with what’s going on under my own roof? Sure, it’s definitely easier. But as Tom Davis of Children’s Hope Chest said at the opening of !C//Orphan, “Weeping with those who weep and mourning with those who mourn is where you feel most alive.” And that “Evangelical Christians that are doing something about orphan care  is 3% while those claiming no religious affiliation is 7%.” That number is staggering. “Theres not a problem with there not being enough Christians to care for the orphans in the world, the problem is Christians with a lack of compassion.” (Ouch.)

There are many upon many things that I took away from this weekend. I will not share them all now. (You’re welcome.) I feel like I am just now able to begin to form those things into words and it will take a while to rifle through them all.

The thing that I came away with, the thing that keeps me up at night right now? It’s the search. The eager desire to do whatever God will have me do, whatever that might be. This may be my first truly honest surrender to His will. I’ve prayed for a long time, “let your will be done,” but I would subconsciously add, “well, I mean, you know, as long as it’s not moving overseas or as long as I still have time to do other things, you know, I can’t do this if, blah blah blah.” I guess I kind of thought that was okay, because God needed to know what I was capable of, you know, he didn’t create me or anything, so how could he possibly know what’s best for me? -is the sarcasm peeking through yet?- But as we drove through the beautiful Ozark mountains of Arkansas, through Oklahoma and back into my glorious new home town of Austin, I prayed off and on, telling God that I was truly surrendered to him. That I would do whatever, whatever he would ask of me. Even if its hard and even if it requires letting go of things I have held so tightly. In the end, what will it matter if Justin and I work hard to make a lot of money to have cool things to give our kids? Of course working hard and making money is not bad and not something that I’m ruling out. And of course I want great things for my kids, but great is a word that is changing for me. My great is not his great. It’s nowhere close.

I am unaware of what this crazy posture of surrender will mean for me and my family, but I know that it will be great. I know that he already knows the plans he has for me. I know that letting go of the way I think things should go is scary, but if he chooses to use me to right one wrong, to bring justice and mercy in any way, shape or form then its going to be great. It’s going to be a life worth living and worth passing on to my children and more.

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4 responses »

  1. I am amazed how much you have grown spiritualy in the few months you’ve been in Texas! God has and is leading you into His calling for what He purposed for your life before you were even born. Dig deeper and hold on tight because this is going to be the bumpiest (?) wildest, most wonderful time of your life. Keep your eyes on the One that leads you.
    2011 is going to be our family’s breakthru year in so many areas!

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