You ever have those days/moments/weeks where you just stop and say, “I feel so weird”? Not as in, “Nobody likes me, I guess I’ll go eat worms” kinda weird. Just that you don’t feel like yourself. I have those now and then, and today is on the list.
I like to think I am someone who does not let my emotions get in the way of what I know is right, that I let no one else’s actions or words dictate how I feel or act. Of course, that’s not the case all the time, it’s a work in progress. I am realizing how I have grown in this area though. When in these weird moods I tend to have quite apathetic thoughts run through my head. I was thinking about an upcoming orphan care conference that I’m attending and had an unformed thought of the who cares variety. It was then that I shifted things back into perspective. My mood doesn’t change anything. Well, it changes the way I act, but it shouldn’t. It doesn’t change the fact that God loves me, that I love my husband, that I love my boys and that I already love a child, possibly an orphan, that I do not yet know. Even if at the moment I do not feel like I love anything or anyone.
That’s where I’ve realized I’ve grown.
When I was younger in age and in my walk with God, my emotions dictated where I would go and what I would do. There’s no commitment there, no roots, so no sustained life. As I seek God more, He causes my roots to go deeper and farther. I may feel as though I’m far from Him, I may feel as though Justin and I are on two different planets and our boys are floating around in outer space. But I know that’s not the case. Maybe I’m just a little low on oxytocin today…the hormone released that gives you all those lovey butterflies in your stomach. Yeah, that’s a hormone, a feeling, not love itself. So when it’s not there, that just means that you might feel a little weird that day, but it doesn’t really mean much else because feelings come and go and change at the drop of a hat. Love however, is a deep-rooted commitment. And that’s really the beauty in life. Commitment to God, each other, to justice. It’s what we need more of, I know I need more of it.