Haiti: Day 7

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Day 7

Sunday was a beautiful, windy day! We spent the morning in Spirit of Truth Church in Guibert. (Sounds like Gee-Bear) Pastor Jean-Alix Paul translated for our Pastor, Jacob Vanhorn, for a really good word on adoption, physical and spiritual. Before speaking they introduced each one us. We stood, took a little applause and sat. Except me, I stood, took a little applause, sat, was told to stand back up as I understood the words “pitit fi” and “CJ Rich.” He was saying I was CJ’s daughter-in-law. CJ worked for Hope for the Hungry and with Jean-Alix for years, and is the one who introduced HELP to Jean-Alix. There was much applause for that!

Before that though was a time worship. I found myself praying through the time as it was obviously in a foreign language and it was easy to let my mind wander since I could not understand anything. I found myself overwhelmed by God’s sweet presence and couldn’t do much but sink to my knees, pray, but mostly weep. I couldn’t – and still can’t – fully articulate what was happening at that time. I do know a big part of it was God doing some things in my heart I had been praying for. It felt almost as though he was freeing up some space in my heart for things He wanted to put there.

Let’s back up some. About a month or so before we left for Haiti, I woke up on a Sunday morning not feeling so hot, it was more emotional than physical, but I summed it up as, “I don’t feel well” and stayed home from church that day. I got up and thought I would get some cleaning done or anything that didn’t require thinking. I turned Spotify on and All Sons and Daughters’ “Reason to Sing” came on. Well, goodness. Here’s a little excerpt…

When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go
I’m afraid I might let go

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing

If there be a victory
Will you sing it over me now
Your peace is the melody
Will you sing it over me now
If there be a victory
Will you sing it over me now
Oh Lord, your peace is the melody
Will you sing it over me now

Well, not much cleaning got done that morning. I sat in front of my computer and played the song over and over until I knew all the words and was all stuffy from weeping through them. I’d like to say that I had been seeking God everyday and was waiting on Him for answers or something like that. Well, that’s just not the case. For as long as I can remember I’d been working under the ridiculous assumption that I could get where I am going on my own. Of course I’m thankful for the cross, but I viewed it as a jumping off point for me. No me and God, me and Jesus, me and community, just me. So, inevitably, I felt claustrophobic by the walls I put up around myself. I couldn’t see/hear/feel God, or maybe I just couldn’t recognize Him. I couldn’t see where I needed or even wanted to go from there. I felt alone and I’m the one who put myself there. I prayed and wept more and asked God to forgive me for being so silly and selfish.

I had the realization that I had crossed some things off my life list that I knew I could not accomplish by myself. Adopting was one of them. I hadn’t admitted that to anyone, not even fully to myself. I talked about it like it was happening, with no real driving force behind it to make it happen. So I was carrying around this pain of letting something go that didn’t even need to be. I never consciously thought, “I can only do this with God, so I won’t even try,” it just kind of slipped in and took hold. Adoption hurts, its long and drawn out and messy. I admitted just the night before how I don’t like to get into the mess of life. But, like I said the night before, that’s not where life happens, that’s not where true beauty is, where Jesus is. And come on, trying to stay out of the mess of life is not possible, by even trying you just create other messes.

After the weeping, there was some peace, some hope. Fast forward back to Haiti. I had been fighting to stay truly present as it is a defense mechanism of mine to hide and not let the pain in. By God’s grace, I stayed fully present and took it all in and was overwhelmed. But it was okay, because I wasn’t trying to deal with it on my own. I wasn’t trying to handle Jacky’s swollen belly, or the little baby turned away from the hospital to later die of dehydration. We’re not equipped to handle it all, we’re equipped to lean into a loving Heavenly Father for comfort, strength and grace. We’re equipped to work towards a solution for these things. We’re equipped to seek Him, follow Him, in whatever hard or easy situation He deems us worthy of.

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One response »

  1. Hey Rachel, deeply thankful for you sharing all of this. Even more thankful for Jesus, that in his grace he would lead you through this. Praying for you and your family during this time.

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